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Lockdown Vol. 20.

by Mike From Scumface

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1.
Dear Ofcom, I'd like to register my indignation. That dance on the telly upset me, and I demand a fucking explanation. Furthermore, I'd like to add, the other things that offended me: Vegan sausage rolls, men kneeling down, The Great British Bake Off, and Yorkshire Tea. I'm angry at the telly. It's all a fucking disgrace. I've got confused, and cut off my nose to spite my face. I'm angry at the telly. A line has been crossed. I call people snowflakes, but the irony is lost. Imagine telling people that they need thicker skin, and then in response to someone kneeling down, you throw your trainers in the bin. Everyone's offended by something, from what I have seen. But I'd rather be offended by discrimination than a tub of ice cream. I'm angry at the telly. It's all a fucking disgrace. I've got confused, and cut off my nose to spite my face. I'm angry at the telly. A line has been crossed. I call people snowflakes, but for me, the irony is lost.
2.
Maybe everything's not that bad if we bury our heads in the sand. If we can just ignore the outside world, this year is going exactly to plan. I'm pretty sure everything's fine. If we don't look out the window, and do absolutely nothing but Among Us and Fall Guys. It's fair to say summer sucked, but everything is back to normal, except the whole world is fucked. It's been 200 days since I saw any of my friends, But Athletico Mince and The Bake Off are back, and I never thought I'd see either of those again. I'm pretty sure everything's fine. If we don't look out the window, and do absolutely nothing but Among Us and Fall Guys. It's fair to say summer sucked, but everything is back to normal, except the whole world is fucked.
3.
I'm not the impostor. You're the fucking impostor. You prick. Your accusations are bollocks, and I'm not having it. You were out killing while I was quietly doing my tasks, and I'm pretty sure saw you jumping in and out of vents, you treacherous twat.
4.
I wanna get drunk but I don't want to seem unsophisticated. Lager isn't going to cut it and red wine makes me constipated. Gin is for winners, I can take or leave the tonic. You can drink it at morning, afternoon or night, and no one thinks you're an alcoholic. So if you want to get so drunk you can't remember anything, but you still want to be classy about it, have a pint of gin. If you neck a bottle of Buckfast, everyone thinks you're a scummy prick, but you'll look like a fucking billionaire if you're necking Tanqueray or Hendricks. Gin is for winners, I can take or leave the tonic. You can drink it at morning, afternoon or night, and no one thinks you're an alcoholic. So if you want to get so drunk you can't remember anything, but you still want to be classy about it, have a pint of gin.

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released September 26, 2020

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Mike From Scumface Manchester, UK

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